Left Behind Poster is Awesomely Awful

How do you go from Kirk Cameron to Nicolas Cage?

Cameron, to his credit, didn't blow his Growing Pains and Like Father Like Son cash on the "True Hollywood Story" cliché of cocaine and whores. He found God is all, which is cheap. As a weekly churchgoer, I can vouch.

No telling on Cage. He's such an oddball snorting heroine would make him normal. No, he blew his money on crazy non-drug-fuelled items. Like a castle. You did not misread that sentence. Nicolas Cage owned a castle. It drove him broke and now he's taking any work his agent will throw at him, including this mid-sized budget remake of Left Behind.

Someone out thinks we need a "reimagining of an old mythology" for a thirteen year old Christian movie based on a bunch of Christian books. Hey, I'm Baptist and even I won't waste my money. "What would Jesus view?" Not that shit.

Anyway, here's the poster (Got this from The Film Stage but Coming Soon had a miniaturized version this morning. We'll credit both. Because that's how we roll, bitches!) It looks so awful it almost makes me want to see the Vic Armstrong-directed film. Almost.

Albert Brooks Commits to Finding Nemo 2

In my head, I play this scene as Albert Brooks; half serious, half parody.

"Nemo is missing! AGAIN!"

I can't get over Pixar reducing itself to Finding Nemo 2. Their batting average alone puts everyone else to shame. But this is a sequel and sequels, as you know, print money. Those original concepts of theirs (the Ratatouilles, the Ups, the Wall-Es) don't do that fast enough to their liking, I guess. It helps (ahem "helps") Andrew Stanton has the directorial equivalent to hemmohards after the hemorrhaging also known as John Carter of Carter. And here we are.

A deal with Ellen DeGeneres is long since done. So now Pixar has pulled out their checkbook and signing over another hefty amount for Albert Brooks to return as Marlin, the over-protective clownfish father of the title character. Maybe in this time, he goes missing? Eh?

As my pal Renn Brown suggested, I'll wrap myself up to the thought of Pixar's next projects following the equally "Really?" follow-up Monsters University: The Good Dinosaur and The Inside Out.

Jack the Giant Slayer Trailer # 3 - Still Not Feeling It

I want to like Jack the Giant Slayer. Honest! Bryan Singer is a skilled director (I'll argue he's yet to make a film that didn't work) and he's assembled a capable cast. And who isn't up for an action/adventure fairy tale?

However, none of the publicity materials have done an adequate job making me want to see it. This latest trailer is no exception. Playing rock music? What the Hell is this? The U.S. cut of Legend?

Monsters University Trailer Is Cute Enough

Pixar is doing their version of the college comedy with Monsters University. I'm sure there will be an Animal House homage in there. Here's the new trailer:

It's alright. Nothing wrong with it. Guess I'm still left cold on the notion of prequelizing Monsters Inc.

JLA: One Step Closer To DOA

Badass Digest reports, what Ben Affleck, in a read-between-the-lines fashion, said to HitFix a few months ago. The Will Beale drafts for the Justice League movie are toast. Conflicting whispers from their sources indicate where it's headed. Whether it gets made or not, there is only one destination at this juncture. Purgatory.

It was just last week we reported on Warner Brothers' decision to cease work and wait to see how The Man of Steel does first. OK fine. That just means the 2015 release date the studio penciled in is off the table. There will still be those who insist it could still make that date and this setback doesn't mean anything. Don't listen to those people.

In its place more likely than none, you'll see a Superman follow-up from Zack Snyder instead. Probably hear about someone commissioned officially to write it too. I hate sounding like a broken record.

J.J. Abrams Gently Lets Alex Kurtzman Down in Latest Star Trek Into Darkness Images

The cover story of the latest Entertainment Weekly is all about Star Trek Into Darkness. The issue doesn't hit newsstands 'till tomorrow (unless you're a subscriber like me and can get it today... if your local mail service doesn't have led in their ass).

They offer new images (below are three; follow the link above to see all five) from the anticipated sequel that changed our dialogue from "Who is Benedict Cumberbatch playing?" to "I wonder what everyone really thinks of J.J. Abrams leaving for Star Wars?"

Bruce Willis Says Die Hard In Space Is Coming

It's a ridiculous state of affairs when a Die Hard parody from twenty years ago looks less silly than A Good Day to Die Hard. The film just looks stupid and the usage of CG is on an obese level of over-reliance.

The age thing is a non-issue. While Arnold and Sly took time off from ass-kicking, Bruce Willis never stopped. He wisely focused his energy elsewhere with the Twelve Monkeys, Sixth Senses, Unbreakables and so forth whilst his late 80s, testosterone-fuelled brothers fizzled out with the changing times.

Speaking to the BBC program One Show (via Bleeding Cool), when asked if we would be yet another return of John McClane, Bruno simply said, "Yes." He was cautious to get into full details other than to confirm the title as A Good Space to Die Hard and that McClane would go orbit.*

*Not really. But isn't this where it’s headed?

In Russia, Movie Bans You!

I was under the impression films weren't banned anymore. That kind of shit is barbaric. Plenty of filmmakers I despise and subject matters I won't waste my time over. But it's my right to do so. If the folks don't want to see your good or crappy production, it should be their call to make. Besides telling them "YOU CAN’T SEE THIS," only makes matters worse. Brings more attention than the offending banners want. But what does my idiot ass know?

The Chinese censored one of the crucial A-plots in Cloud Atlas (the doomed love story between Ben Whishaw and James D'Arcy) and the Aussies outright banned The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence).

Apparently Russia has banned the thriller A Lonely Place for Dying starring James Cromwell (also serving as a producer) and Michael Wincott. The official plot synopsis doesn't scream controversial:

"It is 1972. An abandoned Mexican prison sits alone in the dusty Chihuahua desert. KGB mole Nikolai Dzerzhinsky waits for his contact from the Washington Post. Dzerzhinsky holds explosive evidence against the CIA; information he will trade for asylum in the United States. Special Agent Robert Harper must obtain this evidence and kill Dzerzhinsky or risk the end of his CIA career. As the two men hunt each other they discover that the sins from their past destined them for this deadly confrontation."

I guess the Russians are thin-skinned to criticism? History has shown that isn't exactly breaking news. But I thought we were past that nonsense. Come on, Russia, release the damn movie. You're really gonna shit a lung over what sounds like direct-to-video material?

Star Wars Spin-Offs Are About Li'l Han Solo & Boba Fett

Remember when fanboys complained George Lucas did too much explaining and connecting-the-dots in the Star Wars prequels? If you don't react the same way to this, you may officially shut the Hell up forever.

Entertainment Weekly reports the first two planned standalone Star Wars films (aiming for release alongside the sequel trilogy) are centered on a young Han Solo and Boba Fett.

Solo films (No pun intended) giving back-story for both isn't exactly the best idea. We saw how much fans soured to the "Boba was a clone little kid!" origin of the intergalactic bounty-hunter in Attack of the Clones. And telling us where Captain Solo came from? We're talking about two characters that thrive in their mysteriousness. Giving us the details of them learning to walk and shoot a laser-gun for the first time takes away from that.

One thing you have to hand them. Going this route allows for the return of Darth Vader. Don't know how they're going to overcome that obstacle for Episode VII.

The Amazing Spider-Man Sequel Title Sucks - Everything Else Sounds Fine

The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

I was hoping for something cooler.

• The Web of Spider-Man (Easy to see why that wouldn’t fly with its director Marc Webb)
• The Spectacular Spider-Man
• The Ultimate Spider-Man
• Peter Parker: Spider-Man
• Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man
• Spider-Man: It's Better Than the Reboot We Swear

You get the idea. Just plain old slapping a number behind The Amazing Spider-Man sucks. Sony also sent out the official plot synopsis and it reads perfectly fine, crappy title notwithstanding:

"In The Amazing Spider-Man 2, for Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield), life is busy – between taking out the bad guys as Spider-Man and spending time with the person he loves, Gwen (Emma Stone), high school graduation can't come quickly enough. Peter hasn't forgotten about the promise he made to Gwen’s father to protect her by staying away – but that’s a promise he just can't keep. Things will change for Peter when a new villain, Electro (Jamie Foxx), emerges, an old friend, Harry Osborn (Dane DeHaan), returns, and Peter uncovers new clues about his past."

The "old friend" add-on for the new Harry Osborn is intriguing. His presence in the reboot might have helped ease the characterization of Parker as a brooding, self-centered, immature brat. Hopefully Garfield's Spidey nuts up with his pal-cum-eventual-frenemy tagging along.

Knock on wood, Webb & Co. learned from their short-comings first time out. I get the vibe they did. Good on them for listening.