Wonder Woman Kicks Ass and Takes Names!

This is a movie some fans have been waiting their entire lives to see. Let me start by saying it's well worth the wait. I came out with everything I expected and then some. I knew warner bros played it smart with the marketing, but I was still pleasantly surprised at how many awesome moments they held off on. If you've seen every trailer and watched all the clips, you haven't seen nearly half the awesome shit this movie has to offer.

I had a few concerns going in. Would Gal Gadot be able to carry an entire movie as the lead, would the action compare to the other instalments of the DCEU, would Ares look like a ridiculous CGI mess and would the promise of hope and optimism that we keep having shoved down our throats come off as heavy handed or cheesy.

First off Gal Gadot was phenomenal. She's able to seamlessly pull off the emotional and somber moments and switch right into kicking ass and taking names. And does she ever kick all the asses and take all the names. Jesus H Fuck is Wonder Woman ever the baddest motherfucker in the DCEU. Without spoiling anything, we get to see a much bigger spectrum of what she's capable of this time around. The action was all around amazing. The fight choreography and cinematography was beautiful. The battle on Themescryia was unlike anything I've seen before. Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) deserves an honorable mention as a badass in his own right, though he didn't compare to the amazons wrecking shit like it was their business. Wonder Woman's lasso is used in some of the coolest ways in battle, like pulling someone to her and drop kicking them in midair!

The biggest surprise for me was how awesome Ares appearance is. I was really worried it'd be a halfway there CGI mess like Doomsday in BvS. I couldn't have been more wrong. Without spoiling anything about him I'll just say he looked perfect. He's exactly what you'd expect from his other interpretations. He's not scary but he is menacing. In a way, he's DC's equivalent to an MCU villain. He's really only there to get his ass kicked by our hero. He's hinted at and built up to throughout the movie until his reveal in the third act. Probably not the most memorable villain in a comic book movie, but he looked awesome and he served his purpose.

Shortly after BatmanVSuperman and Suicide Squad were deemed moderate financial successes but panned critically, the narrative around the DCEU became that there needed to be a course correction. Their mantra became that the DCEU would start to implement hope and optimism in their movies. Geoff Johns is shoving this idea down our throats every chance he gets. While Wonder Woman does deliver on that promise, it also stays very much in line with the tone and aesthetic of the previous DCEU instalments. The movie is brighter, literally, and the tone is considerably lighter, but it felt natural for this story and this character. It honestly didn't feel like a departure for me. Which was a huge relief. I didn't want a jarring change that happened overnight. Just give us good movies that fit within the context of the story and are true to the character. Wonder Woman is very much this. It's a thrilling action adventure that felt like a throwback to Indiana Jones infused with Troy and Captain America the First Avenger.

The great thing about this movie is it gives young girls an awesome female hero to look up to, and it's still just as accessible and enjoyable for everyone else. Patty Jenkins really nailed it on every level. It has the heart and humor fans have been missing and the spectacle we've come to expect. It works perfectly as its own standalone story as well as adding to the DCEU lore. I can't wait to see Wonder Woman back on the big screen with the Justice League in November.

8/10

Michael Keaton Was The Best Batman, Fuck You.

The Dark Knight Trilogy is hailed by many fanboy’s as the greatest interpretation of batman on film to date. Everything director Christopher Nolan did from the story to the casting and music selection is put on such a pedestal that at the mere mention of a glaring plot hole or misstep in direction the world around these fanboys crumbles.

My first introduction to Batman was reruns of the Adam West tv series from the 60’s. I loved that show as a kid, it never once dawned on me that it was originally intended to be a comedy. The first Batman movie, let alone movie in general that I saw in a theatre was Batman (1989). Tim Burton’s Batman is what I shaped my entire idea of the character around. Michael Keaton who had to that point primarily done comedies was cast as Batman and history was made.

If you were to ask any random assortment of current Batman fans today who their favorite Batman was, they’d either be too young to remember anything prior to Christian Bale, so he’d win by default, or they would have their head so far up Nolan’s ass drinking his fucking Kool-Aid they’d take offense at the thought of anyone other than Bale being Crowned the definitive Dark Knight. Well fuck those fucking fuckers right in their new age hipster asses! It may be 90% nostalgia and 10% stubborn Asshole that makes up my opinion of Keaton being the greatest batman to ever grace the big screen, but fuck it. I originally planned a top ten list of reasons that make Keaton the better batman, but I thought fuck that too, I’ll just rant like a forum dwelling troll asshole and tell you how you’re wrong and I’m right.

Keaton’s Bruce Wanye/Batman was a pimp. He barely knew Vicky Vale and he nailed that shit. Val Kilmer sported a shit eating grin after a make out session with Chase Meridian, but he couldn’t close the fucking deal. George Clooney had a smoking hot model girlfriend, but that seemed more like a diversion for the public from his obvious homosexuality. Then there’s Bale who was friends with Rachel Dawes his entire life and still never hit that shit. Right up until the one night stand with Talia you’d almost assume he was a fucking virgin. Those models he brought to the restaurant in Begins don’t count either, he only brought them to help fake his way through being billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, lame.

The bad motherfucker status that Keaton maintained didn’t carry through to the other Batmans. Keaton had a reputation for killing off his villains. He dropped jokers ass off a fucking building and he didn’t do shit to help Catwoman or Penguin out, so he can take credit for their demise as well. Val Kilmer threw some quarters at Two Face and he fell, that’s exactly as stupid as it sounds. Clooney played Ice Hockey with Mr. Freeze’s henchman and a diamond, but he couldn’t pull the plug on the governator. Bale had some bad ass to him, sure. Like when he hung Flask upside down and said “Swear to Me!!!” that was pretty fucking great. But the fact that he didn’t drop the joker after he killed his woman or he didn’t fight fire with fire when Bane fucked his shit up made him a vagina.

The Batmobile. As much as it had nothing to do with the people portraying Batman it still gets points in my books. I still think the first Batmobile from 89 had the coolest gadgets and more importantly look. The shield function alone is enough for it to top every other Batmobile. The florescent blue light engine in Kilmer’s Batmobile wasn’t very stealthy or dark and served no real purpose. It was still sort of cool looking as a kid, but in hind sight it blew goats. Not nearly as many goat balls and cocks were gargled over the atrocious Batmobile from Batman and Robin though. My god that was an awful car, they replaced the blue lights for red, made it one seat and took the top off. Because you know Batman likes to roll with his tunes pumping and his top down. I didn’t hate The Tumbler from Batman Begins and The Dark knight, but it wasn’t even called the fucking Batmobile! It did cool shit; it looked like and even sounded like a fucking Batmobile, but it was called The Tumbler. Fuck you Nolan, I rest my case.

The best Batman suit was and still is the original from 89’. The chest piece resembles Roman body armour and everything about it seemed functional, at least for an 80s movie anyway. There’s no real point in discussing the abomination that was Bat Nipples through the Schumacher era, cunt scab. The suit from begins was cool and it had a good explanation, but the cowl was fucking huge! The suit in The Dark Knight and in the turd formerly known as Rises was a huge improvement. But it was almost so high tech it looked more like Robocop with a cape than it did Batman.

The voice of Batman was fucking perfected by Keaton. The man just “got it”. He’s a creature of the night lurking in the shadows etc. He spoke with a menacing and confident low tone while masking his real voice, obviously. Val Kilmer it seems was too afraid to step out of Keaton’s shadow and try something new so he did his best to imitate him, shame on you Kilmer. Clooney’s batman voice was more comical than Adam West who was playing the role in a comedic show. He made zero attempts to mask his identity or sound remotely intimidating. Instead he chose to bob his fucking head around like a bobble head and talk like a snarky cunt that hadn’t quite made it in Hollywood yet, but was doing quite well on a little show called E.R., fucking asshole. Bale was intimidating yes, but that’s only because it sounded like he was doing his best to imitate Satan. Jesus H fuck man tone it back 10 notches.

Being a believable Bruce Wayne is just as important as Batman. Keaton was able to play a mysterious billionaire with a lot of baggage like no one else. Val Kilmer’s Bruce was a little bitch that needed therapy because he was sad. Clooney was way too full of himself to give a rats ass about anything else around him, and he played the same character in and out of the cowl. Bale was good at being a snooty cunt bag Bruce, but he was being so fake it would’ve been a lot more obvious he’s hiding something. Most importantly Keaton’s Bruce wasn’t afraid to get a little bit nuts when he had to.

The thing that makes Keaton the absolute best Batman is what makes him standout the most from everyone that’s portrayed the character. He never knowingly agreed to do a less than great Batman movie. It was pure movie magic and Tim Burton’s vision that made Batman 89’ the mega hit that it was. When Burton did Batman Returns he either got too comfortable within his artistic liberties or he was straight up saying fuck you to the studio and he knew it. I have no idea what he was thinking when he included giant mutant penguins, but who gives a shit the movie still holds up pretty good and it’s actually a lot better movie than The Dark Knight Rises. So I think when Keaton agreed to the sequel He definitely thought they were doing something good again. He’s also the guy that said what the fuck is this shit when the studio decided to go a brighter and more light route with Batman Forever. Both he and Burton walked instead of taking what would have been a huge payout. The same can’t be said for Kilmer, Clooney or Bale. Yes Bale too, he knew damn well Rises was garbage. He all but said so in interviews. Bale was quoted as saying he did Rises because he was contractually obligated to do so and they would have sued him out the ass. That didn’t stop Mr. Michael “Best Motherfucking Batman Ever” Keaton from walking away. So fuck you Bale, fuck you.

First Trailer For 'THOR: The Dark World'

The new trailer for THOR: The Dark World has landed online and it's fucking awesome. Spoiler alert Thor is a total badass throughout. When I first saw Thor back in 2011 I wasn't immediately sold on it, I knew right away that I liked it a lot more than Captain America: The First Avenger,  but it wasn't until after last years Avengers  that I really came around on the demi god turned bad motherfucker. I'm looking more forward to this than the follow up to cap. The new trailer is only a teaser, but it gives us just enough to get excited for.

Some of the Best Uses of Music in Movies

Movies benefit from the combination of great direction, tone, acting and easily as importantly the music. So many great movie moments have been made as powerful as they are by the backdrop of the music. I’m not talking about an amazing score by a composer, because if that were the case John Williams would monopolize the top 3-4 spots on my list without even thinking too hard on it. I couldn’t write about great scores without it turning into a John Willams dick sucking marathon, so I opted out of going that route. I mean popular music used in the place of a score to add weight or levity to a scene.

Originally I planned to write a top ten list, but a few entries in I realized I couldn’t rank any one over the other. So the list is in no real order, just random choices of great uses of music in movies. I should also note some of the language and or wording in the article may be considered politically incorrect or ignorant etc. If you’re offended and not entertained by anything in this article; you can either grow a pair of balls and quit being so hypersensitive, or continue to be the little bitch you are and cry about it in the comments section below.

Drive “Various Artists - The Entire Fucking Soundtrack”:

Pretty well every song in drive works perfectly. The movie wouldn't be as good as it is without the music. It's not for everyone though. My mom brought up to me that she thought Drive would have been a great action flick had it not also been a gay fucking musical, her words. Granted she might be a little out of touch with current movies, but she sort of does have a point. Drive is like a modern art film fucked an 80s/90s action flick and had a gay fucking musical throwback action flick baby. On the other hand she also thinks they need to "remake" not reboot Batman (1989). She says it’s because the batman movies now don't "get it".

Reservoir Dogs "Stealers Wheel - Stuck in the Middle With You":

The torture scene between Michael Madsen and the cop in reservoir dogs still cracks me up every time I watch it. The song playing throughout surely adds to the twisted hilarity of the scene. Without that song there I don't know that it could have been as entertaining or hilarious as it is. The comedy however dark it may have been would have been a lot tougher to sell without such an up tempo song to be cutting peoples ears off to.

Fight Club “The Pixies - Where Is My Mind”:

In the final scene of Fight Club it’s revealed that Brad Pitt’s Tyler Durden character and Ed Norton’s unnamed narrator are one in the same. After nearly killing himself while killing off his schizophrenic alter ego Ed Norton watches out the window with his girlfriend as skyscrapers start to fall to the sound of The Pixies “Where is My Mind”. At that moment that song became my ‘end of the world’ song. If the Mayans had been right or North Korea had a bigger set of balls and/or brains and we really were facing the end, then that would be my go to last song. It probably meant drastically different things for everyone, but for me it made the end of that movie amazing and gave me my apocalypse anthem.

Armageddon “Areosmith - Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”:

I don’t give a fuck if you hate Michael Bay, Armageddon is still a good fucking time. Yes he made a shitty Transformers movie with racist robots (I like the first and third entries), but that motherfucker still delivered a few great flicks, Armageddon being one of them. Despite the glaring and obvious plot holes if you can shut your brain off for a couple hours and become emotionally invested in the characters, then when you hear Areosmith’s “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” you’re able to connect with Horse Mouthed Liv Tyler and Ben Afleck just long enough to actually give a shit when Bruce Willis sacrifices himself for them to be together. That shit still makes me sad every time I watch it.

Goodfellas “Eric Clapton - Layla”:

Goodfellas is one my all-time favorite movies. Part of the reasoning behind that is the iconic ending narrated by Ray Liotta to the backdrop of Eric Clapton’s Layla. The montage of people wacked by DeNiro’s Jimmy played out perfectly with music you wouldn’t otherwise associate with mass mafia murder. Scorsese is the fucking man when it comes to picking music to end his movies to.

Casino “The Animals - House of the Rising Sun”:

Similar to Goodfellas Casino ends with murder and an unconventional but fitting song to accompany it. House of the Rising Sun is my bury motherfuckers in the desert alive after beating them to death song. So if we’re ever fighting and I call you out of the blue to go on a road trip out of town, think nothing of it.

Cruel Intentions “The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony”:

Following the scene in Cruel Intentions when Sebastian is killed while saving Annette’s life is his funeral. During the funeral the camera closes in on a portrait of Sebastian and then ‘Bitter sweet Symphony’ by The Verve starts up as it pans back out. The first time I saw it I expected Sebastian to be outside alive and well with the same shit eating grin on his face, but that fucker actually was dead. Now every time I watch that fucking movie I get bummed out when he dies because I know him and his shit eating grin are no more. That song just does it for me during that scene though. If you liked Cruel Intentions like I did, then you know exactly what I’m saying.

Skyfall “Adele - Skyfall”:

Before having heard the theme to Skyfall by Adele I hadn’t actually heard of her or any of her music. I have now, and fuck is she one talented fat British chick! The opening song to Skyfall was fucking amazing. I’m a huge Bond fan and I can say that Adele’s Skyfall is by far one of my favorite Bond Themes for the entire franchise. When you first heard it if you didn’t just think to yourself or even say out loud “fuck yeah!”, then you’re dead inside, and you’re dead to me too. 

8 Mile “Eminem - Lose Yourself”:

The semi-autobiographical movie 8 Mile loosely based on rapper Eminem’s life may not have been an amazing film. But the soundtrack was pretty fucking great. This song in particular plays more like an anthem than a backdrop to a particular scene or moment. It gives you chills when you hear it, especially in the context it’s used in the movie. It’s inspirational and emotional and might actually be the best part of the movie.

Titanic “Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On”:

Every time I watch Titanic already knowing how it will end I get bummed out at the sound of this fucking song. I know that dumb bitch Rose with let Jack die every god damn time I hear it. Celine Dion is such a dirty cunt for having a song that makes me give so much of a shit about these fictional characters. I love the movie and the song does fit quite well, but still fuck you Celine, you did this to us!

Watchmen “All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix”:

I had a tough time picking any one song from Watchmen, but Hendrix in this case trumps all. I loved all the unintentionally hilarious scenes with the blue cock swinging Dr. Manhattan, but this scene was one of my favorites. Backing out and seeing the huge ass smiley face he carved in the moon was fucking priceless. Thanks to Jimi Hendrix it was fucking awesome too.

Watch the First 5 minutes of Soderbergh's 'Haywire'

Last month director Christopher Nolan released the first five minutes from his Batman finale The Dark knight Rises in front of select IMAX screens showing Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. The reaction despite some minor fanboy bitching was unanimously positive. Back in December of 2007 Nolan did the same thing when he released the first five minutes of The Dark Knight in front of IMAX screens for I Am Legend, which was also met by massive amounts of praise from excited fans. Well now it seems the trend has caught on in Hollywood, as director Steven Soderbergh has released the first five minutes from his action spy thriller Haywire  for fans to drool over. The only real difference being that Soderbergh released the footage online, making it much more accessible to anyone who might want to see it.

I would definitely suggest checking out the video below as it should no doubt get you pumped the fuck for the film. Haywire will be the third last film from the director as he plans to retire after shooting only two more films after this. The first five minutes are intense and awesome ass fuck. They've secured my ass and hopefully yours too in a theatre seat for next weekend when it opens everywhere.

Mallory Kane is a highly trained operative who works for a government security contractor in the dirtiest, most dangerous corners of the world. After successfully freeing a Chinese journalist held hostage, she is double crossed and left for dead by someone close to her in her own agency. Suddenly the target of skilled assassins who know her every move, Mallory must find the truth in order to stay alive. Using her black-ops military training, she devises an ingenious—and dangerous—trap. But when things go haywire, Mallory realizes she’ll be killed in the blink of an eye unless she finds a way to turn the tables on her ruthless adversary.

Schwarzenegger Could be Joining Stallone in 'The Tomb'

After working together on this summers Exepndables 2 it appears the 80's action pals Shwarzenegger and Stallone could be re-teaming again in another action pic, The Tomb. The film was originally set to star Bruce Willis with Antoine Fuqua set to direct, but both dropped out of the project. Stallone came on to star with no director in place, but TOLDJA! says Mikael Hafstrom is considering the gig.

AICN now has the scoop that Schwarzenegger will likely be joining the cast as I'm guessing the possible antagonist. He was originally offered the same role as Willis and now the one Stallone is set to take on, but he turned it down in favor of starring in The Last Stand.

The Tomb centers on the designer (Stallone) of an impenetrable prison who must work against his own creation when he’s framed and improperly jailed by an antagonist (hopefully Schwarzenegger).

Whenever you have the team up of Schwarzenegger and Stallone it has the ability to be the equivalent to a De Niro Pacino team up like Heat, only more geared towards 80's action nostalgia and pure cheese. Still great none the less, and if it turns out to be true it's one more film in Arnie's comeback I have to look forward to.

The Deadpool Movie Isn't Dead Yet

After Ryan Reynolds appearance as Deadpool in the X-men spin off Wolverine, he was said to have signed on for a solo franchise starring the character. All was fine on that front until Reynolds also signed on to star in Warner Bros big screen adaptation of Green Lantern. If Green Lantern had been the success everyone thought it would be, WB would have done everything in their power to block Reynolds from doing the Deadpool movie. That is at very least until they were done with their originally purposed franchise. Now with Green Lantern having been a colossal turd at the box office as well as the way it was received critically, it looks like a sequel is only a pipe dream for hopefuls and long time fans like my pal Matt Rapier.

Fox knows they have the ball back in their court now, especially with a Green Lantern sequel as good as dead and Reynolds still excited to get back into the role. The only problem they're facing now is how true to the source material they should take the film. In order for the movie to be true to the comics it needs to be rated R, similar to how Watchmen was. The only problem with that being Fox had a stake in Watchmen as well as Warner Bros, and it stunk up the box office in comparison to expectations and the over 100 million it cost to bring it to the big screen. So unless they can find a cost effective way to bring Deadpool to the screen as an R rated film, while keeping the core of the character intact, we'll either end up with a PG-13 release or the movie falls back into development hell for another decade.

Well it appears a rated R Deapool may be closer to happening than anyone might have thought. At last weekends Amazing Arizona Comic Con Rob Liefeld and Scott Lobdell said they may or may not have seen eight minutes of R rated test footage from the film and it was amazing. The quote is as follows:

"They've got a great director on the movie, they've got a great script. I may or may have not seen some sort of test of footage that would blow your mind if you saw it and go holy crap and that's Deadpool in costume. Katana swords, guns, shooting people’s faces off and making me laugh. And I may or may not have seen something that looks just like that. And you've got what would amount to the first R Rated X-Men movie. Because that script is R Rated.

They may or may not have wanted to shoot eight minutes to see how it would play. And all I can tell you, it's close. It’s closer that it's even been to going, or going Naaah, that's too scary a proposition to make a R Rated Deadpool movie.”`

I think if Deadpool does end up seeing the light of day the only way to do it would be like the described 8 minutes of footage. I think Wolverine should/could have probably went over better at least critically if it had the freedom that an R rating brings to the story. For me Watchmen was one of the best superhero or graphic novel adaptation's to ever be done, and that was only because of how true to the source material Snyder was allowed to bring the film.

Not Even Batman Can Understand Bane

Following the extremely cool and ridiculously hyped up reveal of The Dark Knight Rises Prologue, fans had one major beef, they couldn't understand a damn thing Bane was saying. Twitter, message boards, facebook and every other troll dwelling corner of the internet has argued the problem since its release.

Well now Conan O' brien has cleared things up by showing an extended alternate version of the trailer in which not even Batman can understand the big bad motherfucker himself. Check out the video below courtesy of TeamCoCo, it's pretty damn hilarious.

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Schwarzenegger's Next Flick Gets Biblical

After having left acting and spending eight years in politics as the Governator of California, Schwarzenegger is finally ready to bring his cheesy 80's action hero one-liner persona back to the big screen. His comeback kicks off with next years Expendables 2 in August and then in January 2013 he can be seen in the Last Stand, both of which are filming now. The third flick in his comeback, Black Sands, is currently in pre-production.

Very little has been revealed about the plot of Black Sands other than the need-to-know info ofcourse (Schwarzenegger will be kicking ass and taking names). TheArnoldFans had somehow obtained a title change (Black Sunday, which is apparently not true) along with a quote from the man himself where he said  “I’m a kind of angel… I can not currently say more about this film.” Originally the feel of the flick was said to be “like High Plains Drifter meets Man on Fire,” but now this report says it could be like “a cross between Constantine and Commando.”

I personally don't go into Schwarzenegger flicks expecting substance, Oscar worthy performances or plots that make much sense for that matter, but I still love the hell out of damn near anything he does. The man is a certified bad motherfucker, fucking fat Mexican nannies and Batman & Robin not withstanding. The tone of the film sounds similar to End of Days, which for me anyway is a definite bonus, other bloggers and critics however are already moaning and groaning at the thought. I can't say I understand their frustration though. Having Schwarzenegger face off against Satan himself and deliver such classic lines as the one below is exactly the kind of popcorn fun I can get behind.

Top 10 Best Hypothetical Action Hero Death Matches

In this week’s Top 10 I bring to you the top ten best hypothetical action hero death matches. Now we’re not talking current day physique specifically or exclusively, but more so prime versus prime, so when I say Sean Connery I mean Fucking James Bond Sean Connery. When I say Schwarzenegger I clearly don’t mean with his huge gut during his Mexican nanny fucking days, I’m referring to his Terminator 2 days.

If you feel you need to know who the manliest man of them all is, then read on. I warn you though, there’s so much testosterone in this article it may cause you to grow another dick or a new set of balls, so consider yourself warned!

Top 10 Best Hypothetical Action Hero Death Matches

10. Sean Connery VS Daniel Craig

From the early 60’s through 70’s  Sean Connery was THE James Bond everyone knew, even years later he remains the one bad motherfucker that most people easily regard as their Bond. In a close second to Connery is our current day Bond, Daniel Craig. Not since Connery has anyone been able to embody the suave smooth talking British agent with such a bad ass presence, until Craig came along. It only makes sense that the two greatest Bonds should face off.

The only real question being who would walk away the victor, my money would be on Connery without hesitation. Although Craig is ridiculously ripped as shit, Connery always carried himself in a way that you knew he wasn’t to be fucked with. The sheer level of confidence alone being given off by Connery would be no match for Craig.

9. Michael Jai White VS Wesley snipes

Two washed up martial arts juice heads always sounds like a fantastic fight no matter which way you swing it. Although Snipes saw more success early on in his career he’s since been sentenced to prison for tax evasion and seen almost all his recent films head straight to video. White’s been working more as of recently, but he’s never really reached a sought after star status either. Given that both of them have nothing better to be doing and Snipes would likely eat dog shit for money right now, why not pit them against one another.

The obvious winner hear for me seems like Snipes, but that’s only because he’s so damn broke and hungry now. White may have a bit of size on Snipes, but I don’t see him being as quick or desperate. In the end I think desperation along with a little bit of martial art skill and speed would award Snipes the win.

 8. Jean Claude Van Damme VS Steven Seagal

It almost seems all too obvious a choice to side with Van Damme right away, but just for shits and giggles we’ll weigh the opposing sides against one another. On the one hand Seagal has some serious height as well as weight on Van Damme, but being an overwheight slob wouldn't help when your opponent's jacked the fucked up. The other big dilemma for at least Seagal anyway, is the fact that his tough guy bravado's been brought into question so many damn times that I’m not sure you need to be special to kick his ass. Over the years Seagal made numerous claims of his real life heroics, which no one really questioned, I actually don’t think anybody gave a shit though to be honest. But in the early 2000’s when it came to light that Seagal was snitching on Italian Mobsters to the FBI because they had threatened him, his tough guy act was clearly over. Although he attempted to put a spin on what really happened the real storie's since been plastered everywhere, painting Seagal as the little bitch he really was all along.

Van Damme on the other hand isn’t all that much better to be honest. Although he was never caught ratting out gangsters to the feds, it’s always been apparent that he’s only built for the screen. He may know kung fu and karate, but I doubt anybody's too worried about him losing his shit. In the end all we really have is a couple high kicking testosterone filled morons. I think if Seagal got close enough he’d likely just bear hug him. Van Damme would resort to stupidly high pitched noises while jumping and kicking in slow motion. The winner's a tough call, especially when dealing with such losers.

 7. Bruce Willis VS Kurt Russell

Ultimately I think this comes down to their most recognizable on screen characters, John McClane and Snake Plissken. Both considerably bad motherfuckers, but on the one hand McClane bleeds too damn easily, regardless of him being Die Hard. Snake Plissken is a ruthless bad ass motherfucker, he wouldn’t let shit stand in his way. Sometimes the easiest choice is the best one, and in this case Kurt Russell is just too damn awesome for Bruce.

6. Russell Crowe VS Mel Gibson

If you work at a hotel and you can’t get Russell’s wife in Australia on the phone, then watch the fuck out, he’ll throw a phone at your head, no joke. Now if you’re Jewish, Homosexual, African American, any religion but catholic or any of the above and you’re not as drunk off your ass as Mel Gibson is when you encounter him, then watch the fuck out!

Russell Crowe and Mel Gibson are both known for their over the top temper tantrums and hissy fits, but in a real world fight mean words and throwing inanimate objects won't get you anywhere. The winner of this battle comes down to sheer craziness, and in that regard Crowe has a lot to learn from Mad Mel. When Gibson played the crazy maniac cop in Lethal Weapon how far off his real personality was the character?

5. Jason Statham VS Rob Pattinson 

I know just the thought of this alone sounds extremely ridiculous, but apparently it was very close to actually happening. Every teen girls favorite sparkly vampire was allegedly defending his woman’s honor when Statham attempted to make a move on her. Accord to their “sources” bouncers had to break the two up before a fight broke out.

Statham is one person in Hollywood I’m sure most people wouldn’t actually fuck with in any real life scenario. The guy is an all muscle bad ass motherfucker who knows some very clearly serious shit. Sorry Rob, but you wouldn’t have had a chance.

4. Michael Clarke Duncan VS Ving Rhames

These two guys are both huge as fuck and intimidating as shit, but which one of them could actually throw down for the win? The easy answer is obviously Duncan. But given a first glance at Rhames you wouldn’t for a second know that he’s not in fact the bad mother fucker he so often portrays. Rhames actually decided early on he want to be an actor and he pursued that career, it’s only his size and presence on screen that make him appear ruthless.

Duncan on the other hand is a real bad motherfucker. Although he may be a big teddy bear, he’s not a teddy bear to be fucked with. On more than one occasion the giant as fuck man himself has said he would fight any UFC fighter anytime they were willing to challenge him. He’s a serious dude, and not one that Rhames would stand a chance fucking with, hands down Duncan would destroy him and probably anyone else that got in his way.

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger VS Sylvester Stallone

Two of the biggest bad ass action heroes of the 80’s and 90’s are Arnold and Sly. I always thought it would be a close fight between the two, but then facts came into play like the fact that Stallone is short as fuck and kind of a prissy little bitch. Arnie always remained a juggernaut bad motherfucker, at least in my books anyway. I don’t count the recent days when he ran for governator of California or had an illegitimate love child with his Mexican nanny. That doesn’t really affect my opinion of the Terminator at all, he's still awesome.

Without a doubt hands down Arnold would make Sylvester look like a choir boy next to him, much like he did to Satan in End of Days. Sure Sly looks great while flying around in choreographed fight scenes flashing his fake HGH muscles for the screen, but Arnie’s brute force, ridiculous accent, and his ginormous frame win me over every time.

2. Jet li VS Bruce lee

Some of the absolute coolest martial arts stunts we’ve seen were due to these two maniacs. Jet Li made a name for himself floating through midair whipping asses and taking names. While Bruce Lee redefined the way Martial Arts is practiced all together.

Jet Li may look very cool and bad ass on screen, but I seriously doubt he’d ever engage in a real fight with someone, especially not for no reason at all. Bruce on the other hand, was a bit of an asshole. If someone approached him on the street and challenged him to a fight he would straight up beat their ass. He really had no qualms about putting people in their place. I think it goes without saying that if Jet Li were around and had the balls to challenge him, Lee would make him his bitch.

1. Chuck Norris’ Beard VS Tom Selick’s Moustache

Two of the most iconic pieces of men’s facial hair to grace the screen must square off and who will come out on top? Easy, Chuck Norris’ beard of course, they say he’s so tough that behind his beard there’s no chin, just another fist. Any man with another fist hiding behind their beard waiting to punch you in the face clearly wins a battle of the facial hair no problem.